You are not your condition

When you know something is wrong but results tell you otherwise you may well find yourself on a path of desperation; tirelessly searching for a diagnosis. A label to tell you what you knew all along – that, somewhere along the line, your health got out of sync and now you’re dealing with the consequences.

Of course, the naming of medical conditions is there for a reason; they give the medical world a chance to distinguish the chronic from the acute; the serious from the not so serious…they also lay the foundations for a generic approach to ‘treating’ the problem at hand. But, psychologically, is this boxed perspective anything more than a hindrance?

It may validate your health complaints; removing any lasting suspicions of psychosomatic neurosis but there’s a real danger that you start to create one very limited, predefined path. A path that lures you into a new identity; one shaped by the characteristics of the condition, with little hope of healing or recovery. And who’s to say the label is even right?

If you’re freshly diagnosed, you may find yourself all-consumed by this new label. But, if your mindfulness practice is strong it will see you through this difficult time and give you the space you need to sit with all the uncomfortable feelings.

Most importantly, it will remind you that you are not your body and you are not your mind. Who you are sits deep within and it’s unchanging. Not like this suit of organs, skin and bones that we all inhabit.

It may take some time coming to terms with your diagnosis, but the important thing is that you stay kind to yourself. You are dealing with this in your own way and that is okay.

A little bit of sorrow is fine

When I was first diagnosed, I felt bad that I wasn’t a stronger person. That I was feeling so full of self-pity. It was like I had already given up.

But it’s all okay. You don’t need to beat yourself up for feeling sad, for crying, for moaning to friends and family. You are allowed to feel like this.

However, there does come a point when you have to get over the wallowing and realise that you’re no different to where you were the day before you got the diagnosis. It’s a label. A label created by another human being in a world that has a lot more to learn about life and the intricacies of the human body. It’s no more than that.

Don’t lose faith
If your condition is chronic, you probably feel like you’ve been given a life sentence. If it’s autoimmune, you may also have the word ‘degenerative’ ringing around in your head. But, again, this is all information from an industry that still has a lot to learn about the human body.

It’s also an industry that focuses on chemical fixes rather than treating the root cause. It’s an industry where the role of diet is given almost no credit, and where, up until recently, the neurological benefits of meditation were poo poo’d. Now, there’s a wealth of science out there demonstrating the life-changing effect this simple practice has on neuroplasticity and, in turn, physical and psychological health.

It is what it is
You may have lots of thoughts buzzing around on the unfairness of it all: ‘If only this hadn’t of happened’ or ‘It wasn’t meant to be like this, I was supposed to be doing this job or that sport…’ The fact of that matter is, that while you can control your future to an extent, you can’t control everything that life serves you. We don’t get to pick and choose the parts we play.

So, it’s here and you need to make friends with it. You may not feel like it but a whole new opportunity has opened up and if you work with your challenges using mindfulness, gratitude and self-love you’ll notice that life starts to unfold in ways you wouldn’t expect.

You’ll find that everything becomes precious; from the cool breeze on a sunny day to your morning cup of tea with a good friend. You’ll start to realise how hard your body works just to keep you happy. And you’ll learn to truly love yourself, with gratitude for the body you’ve been given.

If you haven’t done so already, start meditating. I can’t emphasise this enough – it really is a life-changing practice and, if practiced daily, you will start to notice the difference. You can find guidance on daily practice here.

You dû have a choice

There’s a lot of research out there to show that mind really can influence matter so the language you use is incredibly important when creating a positive mindset for healing. When it comes to taking on the identity of a condition, words like ‘feel’ and ‘have’ can be very powerful in reinforcing the symptoms you are experiencing.

One technique used in an increasingly popular neural training programme is to replace verbs with the word ‘dû’. So, you are ‘dûing’ stress rather than you ‘are’ stressed. Or in the case of an actual condition, you don’t have Hashimoto’s, you’re ‘dûing’ Hashimoto’s.

While ‘dû’ is pronounced the same as ‘do’, the accent in the ‘dû’ is representative of unintentional and unconscious action. This subtle change in language completely reframes the situation. You don’t need to be controlled by the condition when you have a conscious choice in the matter. From personal experience, the effects of practising this daily can be profound if combined with other forms of neural training.

It is not who you are and it never will be
So, there’s a lot you can do to work your way through this. We all have the power to make positive choices for the better and remaining kind to yourself is number 1.Take a step back and remember who you really are. You are more than just a label so start your journey by saying goodbye to this man-made stamp you’ve been given and recognising the power you have to create your own reality.

From the eyes of a gooseberry…

 

If you’re a singleton reading this, chances are you’re all too familiar with the concept of the ‘third wheel’; the concept that can find you sitting on the edge of the precipice, while two lovebirds mosey on in their own world blissfully unaware.

Some couples are okay. They keep their hands to themselves, and they’re conscious that others exist outside of their bubble. But the honeymoon couple, now that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

It doesn’t matter how friendly they are, how genuine they are, or how much they try to include you in this state of joy…it’s glaringly apparent that you’re an outsider who only serves to snatch away precious moments; moments made up of unabashed PDAs (public displays of affection, but I’m sure you know that).

Having recently upped and left my hometown for city life, I found myself in this situation after moving into a houseshare with not one, but two newly infatuated lovebirds. Perfectly lovely people, although I do find myself doubting this when the frustration starts creeping in.

To give a bit of context, I’ve been on a long journey ever since coming out of a nine year relationship. During this time I’ve gone through all the stages of post-relationship breakdown…mental girl goes wild, bitter and twisted man-hater, relationship cynic and commitment phobe.

Yep, I’ve done all of that and I’d come out the other side. The revelatory moment came when, one day, I found myself looking at a couple holding hands on the street. Rather than scrunching up my nose in disgust or looking at them with pity, I felt a surge of warmth; touched by the depth of their love.

So, the rate at which this freshly formed relationship has come screeching up in front of me has come as somewhat of a shock. As the cycle of ‘baby’, ‘bub’, and playful banter build, so to do the invisible barriers around this fortress of infatuation.

I look on at this newfound world, and wonder…what is it that makes the honeymoon couple so infuriating? What is it about my place in this that gives me so much angst?

Setting aside the practical issues of sharing a tiny space with a pair of love fools, there’s a whole tangle of knots that I start to unfurl.

I realise that being completely new to an area, you transition from feeling well-known with a clear sense of identity to a blank canvass amongst a sea of entrenched connections. It makes you feel vulnerable.

Your sense of being starts to be defined by the interactions with those around you…people who know nothing about you, who hold each other in very high stead with no time to find out what you can offer them. You feel your identity slipping away, and you start to question your worth. What is it that you bring to the equation?

And of course, when you see a happy couple so full of joy; so spurred on by one another, you start to see a gaping hole in your own life. Where is my own bubble of bliss? Where is my partner in crime? Is it possible that I can bring someone else this much happiness?

My initial response to this question saw me drag my feet back to good old online dating. Nights spent trawling ‘odds and ends’, instigating chats with rare finds only to find the attraction is not mutual, and batting away the crazies.

Despite the trauma, I tell myself it’s okay – this is perfectly normal for someone starting afresh in a new area. And of course, ‘normal’ it may be, but is it really ‘okay’? Yes I want to meet new and interesting people, but when it comes to dating I’m not prepared to use someone else’s love to cover up for my own self-lacking.

So I take a step back and I re-evaluate. The honeymoon couple have brought my insecurities to the fore. If I was truly comfortable in my own skin; if I relished time spent with myself, would I really care that I had been certified with gooseberry status?

I don’t think so. And with this in mind, I decide to rebuild my sense of self-love. The perils of a relationship founded on insecurity and reliance are simply not worth the time or effort.

Welcome to the stage, loving kindness. In moments like these I’m thankful for the likes of Jon Kabat Zinn, Shamash Alidina and Esther Teule, whose practices are invaluable for bringing me home to myself. Paul Gilbert and Kristin Neff are also well known for their work in self-compassion.

Now I practice each and every day, and little breakthroughs do occur. I feel that rush of warmth for my own being; truly treasuring who I really am. These moments are only fleeting, and all the while I’m aware of the honeymoon couple in their hazy bubble. But who knows, maybe one day I’ll find me, myself and I in a fresh, new bubble of our own.

Manifesting your oneness

Over the last year I’ve embarked on a journey of mindfulness. With mindfulness comes self-awareness and as I sit here this evening, I’m conscious of a body that is not quite in tune with itself. It’s blocked up; fuzzy with a general malaise and tension that has crept up on me over the past few hours. I try to remind myself that this is only a moment in time. Everything passes.

Earlier in the day, I remember driving to meet an old friend with a mixture of anticipation and enthusiasm. I could feel the effect this had on my body. My stomach and chest were tight with excitement and a kind of ‘fizzy tension’ took over. I remember thinking this too is a passing moment in time; just like the many moments where discomfort, be it physical or emotional, has presided over me.

And now I am here again. With a head full of cotton wool and the obstinate whir of tinnitus; dizziness prevailing. My stomach has reached such impressive levels of distension that I would be fit for the role of an Alice in Wonderland Tweedle brother (dee or dum, I won’t discriminate). And of course, the guilt is now creeping in – I had two Nakd bars and a bowl of granola for lunch (yes, it’s a wild life I lead). Sure enough, I’m rapidly falling foul of my inner judge and it’s nothing but a downward spiral from here.

But does it have to be this way?

When you feel yourself slipping into that destructive pattern of mental battering; it’s arguably your biggest advantage. It’s the point that offers you the most promise for spiritual awakening, enlightenment… Whatever you want to call it, you can push the hippy talk aside if you wish but it’s ultimately an offering to break through the mind-body attachment and gain a greater sense of peace and contentment.

Discovering non-dualism

It only took one moment in this haze of self-loathing to bring on my own epiphany; to hit me in the core of my being, as my online meditation guru guided me through the motions:

“Don’t see it as a hostile invader or something that needs to be fixed, see it as part of your wholeness, like there’s day and night, rain and sunshine.”

Boom! I suddenly realised, I felt, the truth of the matter. This mind-made concept of duality – of two opposing forces that were playing tug of war in my mind – transcended all the mental chatter and attachment. It unlocked in me the most immense sense of wholeness and liberation. It made me realise that it is okay to feel. This is what it’s all about; being human.

It’s about synergy. As easy as it can be to try and run from a negative feeling; it is just as easy to grasp onto the joyous experiences when they arise.  If we focus on one part of our self more than the other, or attempt to block one feeling out simply because we don’t like it we lose our wholeness and with that, the privilege to experience the fullness of life in its many forms.

”The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.” ~Jim Rohn

By latching on to this sense of duality, we hide from ourselves – from who we really are. Our wholeness is greater than the sum of all our parts and it is only right that we pay respect to that. Do not deny any aspect of yourself – embrace it and welcome it like an old friend.

Opening up to any experience

So now I sit back and watch my body. I watch my body along with all of the thoughts, feelings and emotions that come with it. Thoughts, feelings and emotions that become part of an almost separate entity; one that has attached itself to my being; that I am happy to sit with.

The words of Rumi have never resonated more deeply; be it joy, happiness, or sadness; an ache, a tingle, a pain – whatever it may be, I will welcome it into my home. I reach out and say, “It’s okay, you’re already here. You can sit here with me for as long as you want because I’m not going anywhere.”

I’m no longer the victim. And I’m no longer the perpetrator. In fact I’m the carer, the nurturer.

So there it is. This deeper understanding of oneness, of unity, brings a realisation that you are privileged. Every feeling that runs through your body means you are alive and whole. You no longer discriminate between good and bad. You sit there and watch in a state of wonder at what the body can do, what it is telling you and what it may share with you next.

So me and my old friend…we sit there together and I smile because I know that everything is as it should be. It reminds me that I am alive. And that I am whole.